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  • Jenn

I turned down money and it was scary as f*ck



I grew up with just-enough money. Our needs were met but there wasn’t a surplus and there certainly wasn’t luxury. We scraped by.

As an adult, I crave those things…I yearn for luxury and ease and comfort. I ache for the freedom of it.

I EFT/tap out the wazoo to clear limiting beliefs and dissolve those money blocks. Gala Darling is an Empress in this area…I highly recommend her work. I also healed a lot by working with Natalia Benson.

Thanks to the support of expansive female role models, crushing credit card debt is gone, I have been learning to invest my money in a way that feels good to me, and I am able to save each month.


I can’t emphasize enough how starkly different that is from someone who bought (charged) everything because she was terrified it would be taken away from her, that she would never have enough. I couldn’t stand to have money in my bank account because that meant it was vulnerable—someone would want to borrow it, they might even take it from me, or I’d have to spend it on something that I didn’t want to.


It was so much to unpack and work through. I was gifted with support at each step.


Now that I’m on the other side of that mountain, there is still work to be done. But here, it feels more like picking pebbles rather than trying to clear boulders. While it’s easier, it’s also more annoying. Just imagine how uncomfortable a pebble can be when it’s in your shoe. That’s what it’s like now: small discomforts that push me to clear because I want to walk with freedom in each step.

Coinciding with all of this has been my Human Design experiment and the deconditioning process. As a Generator, I’m designed to respond, not initiate. My chart is full of flow. I wanted to bring in some extra $$. So, I prayed and I waited.


Now, I don’t mean “I prayed and waited” as in, I sat on my sofa and expected $$ to fall from my ceiling (although, I’m not ruling out miracles, either). I prayed and released my attachment to how or when the opportunity would show up. I gave up control of scripting the process. I attuned myself to be ready for signs and to trusting that I would know what to do when it was time for me to do it.


I have always loved to write. I even did it professionally for about 15 years. But, what I find most satisfying is the writing I do for myself and the pieces I choose to share…like this. I get to let an idea move through me, shut my controlling brain off for a while, and let myself serve as the vessel for how the idea wants to express. It’s liberating, gratifying, and immensely rewarding.


I saw a notification about a writing position. I cued into my Generator response and noticed that my mind was excited but not my body. As I tried to lean into it, to read more about the position, I could feel the uncomfortable feedback in my aura. So, I let it go.


I was later custom-invited to that job and had a response. Now, as a Generator, that is a layered and complex evolution. Did I respond to the person who invited me? Did I respond to being recognized and specially-invited? (I have Projected channels, so being seen is a big deal for me.) Did I respond to the idea of writing that particular content? To being affiliated with that organization? You can see what a rabbit hole response can be.

I said yes and I embarked.


It was an uncomfortable and tension-filled process where I felt like my gifts couldn’t fully shine. I could feel that my way was a little too heretical for that organization, that we saw things differently at a fundamental level. And yet, I had the sense that it might lead somewhere later on…that this could be groundwork for something to come.


I am Feeling cognition, which operates in a cycle out of Solar Plexus binary—that means that I don’t always know if something is correct for me until after the process is finished. I may have energy for something (Generator response) but that doesn’t mean it’ll be pleasant. My Solar Plexus is completely open, so there isn’t a set way for me. This is a learning curve.

The organization paid very timely (which I loved) and had a lot of projects I could be involved in. I participated in a few to make sure my process had fully completed. I could tell, though, that it wasn’t for me. But with that $$, it was so hard to say no.


My body, however, made it painfully clear. I had headaches, one of which sharpened to a migraine, and a tremendous amount of tension in my jaw. I was procrastinating and felt de-energized. Even now, just writing about tapping into that energy, my jaw has a tightness to it and I feel tension building in my forehead.


The not-self mind is a b*tch. Even when I knew that opportunity wasn’t right for me at this time, my mind then moved on to torturing me with whether I’d be punished if I declined further opportunities. My open Ego told me I had to stay because I said I’d work for them (really, though, does that mean until I die?) and that I had to prove myself.


My inner kid was really, really scared to turn down money.


My spiritual nature wondered if I’d be insulting the universe by declining a paying job when I had prayed for money. Was this being spoiled and ungrateful? Was I too picky?


There was so much tension and strain surrounding it.


I’ve worked with Dr. Lisa Lavoie several times now. She’s so cool in her perspective to blend Human Design with trauma healing. She had mentioned that when it’s time to do something, the body will just do it. Instead of thinking my way into it, I’ll suddenly notice myself writing the email, responding to the text, etc.


As a Quad Right, I am prone to falling prey to the belief that I need to be strategic. I have no strategy in my chart. It’s just not how I’m built. There’s a reason I yearn for freedom and flow. I’m designed to float down the river, not try to swim up it.


If my body hadn’t given me such strong pain signals, I’m chagrined to admit that I probably would have let it drag on for much longer. I just couldn’t, though. I spent so long having headaches and migraines and stomach issues. My body has been telling me since I was 10 years old that things were not ok.

With my spiritual practice and the perspective of Human Design, I finally have an easier way to listen to it.


So, I told the person who had hired me how uncomfortable I was. Neither of us had a feeling about formally notifying the organization. So, we waited.


The women in my Human Design study group were kind enough to ask me a few questions about it. Now that I knew it was time to disengage, I felt pressure to do so immediately.


Side note: This is about pressure to hurry up and get something done via the Root. Even though it’s defined in the holistic on my chart, it’s only unconscious. Ra said that the greatest enemy of the personality is the design. To my personality, my Root is completely open, which means it’s fair game as part of its not-self mental strategy. I can tell when I’m out of alignment on an issue because I feel pressure to respond immediately. There is no wisdom or peace in that process.


That mini-Sacral Session was helpful. And, one of them did something so clever—she asked me about the day I would choose to disengage from the organization. My body had this clear response and my mind had absolutely no idea why. When I followed it, I figured it out…if I had responded the day my mind wanted to, I would have over-explained and brought in a lot of tension. By waiting that extra day and following my body’s wisdom, I was calm and clear and the disengagement went very smoothly. There was no bad blood, no burned bridge. In fact, I feel that I’m set up with the foundation for working with them in some other form further down the line.


If I had let my mind run the show, it would have been a neurotic mess.


As wonderful as all of that felt to have moved through it, I was still in the lurch about extra $$. I chose to trust that my body was guiding me to something. If it had the sense of which day to send an email, certainly it knew how to draw money to me when I needed it.


Since I wasn’t leaking so much precious energy with mental resistance about that work and my body wasn’t overly taxed with stress and needing extra sleep to get through the headaches, I found that my creativity came back. I could feel more energy moving in my body. I felt lighter.


I was invited to participate in a project that I freaking loved. Money came in as an afterthought. I was following my energy, not my mind’s desire for things to work a certain way.

It is all working out, just not in a way my mind would have predicted. I had to be willing to trade safety and security (both of which are Left-oriented ideals) for the trust and openness of flow. It feels so much better, but it is not easy (yet).


I’m getting there. I can feel this is a muscle that’s strengthening, that I’m learning to trust. It’s also a marker for my aura getting clearer. Praying for things creates faster manifestations. That all sounds wonderful until you realize that in order to meet that manifestation fully as yourself, you have to release what isn’t authentically you. Strategy is not me. It had to be disentangled so I can show up as me.


To me, Human Design is aura management. What are you broadcasting and what are you receiving? And, how are you living within that?


It all comes from within—how you were designed to function in the world, how you share your gifts, and who you are for yourself. Are you doing what you think you should? Or, are you following what you know is right for you? Your path is your own. No one else can walk it for you. It takes courage but the reward is epic—you get to be you.


Shine on,

Jenn.

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