Updated: Jul 17
I’ve been dealing with heartbreak for 3 months now. I’ve glossed over it in my writings and my day-to-day talks because, frankly, I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I can’t logic my way out of it. I’m embarrassed that at 50 years old, I could so easily be turned upside down and inside out, at how little control I have. I’m embarrassed that I thought this relationship was it for me.
My spiritual practice has been a lifeline, but I needed more. After doing all of the things, I was finally ready to be open to something different. In Human Design, my cognition is Feeling, and I’m a Sacral Generator. So, I look for what feels correct in my body and creates some space. Not everything to me is a big rush of energy or a sound. Sometimes, it's a feeling of a big blue sky inside my chest. After praying, I was given the nudge to contact my friend for help. I knew it was right because it immediately made some space inside, I got a dawning sense of expansion.
I’m very, very fortunate to have made friends with two women from my Human Design foundation classes. We meet weekly to talk about our progress through our experiments. They have gotten me through some tough times through the grace of their perspectives and commitment to nonjudgmental, radical honesty about what it’s like to really live Human Design. They’re amazing.
One of us, Rebekah, is a Projector and is trained as a life coach and in guiding Human Design experiments. She’s also extremely talented at gifting us with truth bombs. God, she just gets it. She’s been kind enough to do Sacral Sessions with me before. I asked for one to help in moving through this.
I knew she would give me space to get out what I needed to get out while also skillfully guiding the session toward a shift in perspective. I knew she would be patient with my resistance while firmly but compassionately reflecting my truth. In short, I knew she’d be incredible.
The fun part is in the truth that just comes completely out of left field. I never even see it on the horizon and it drops into me when I’m so open and ready to receive it. I’m going to dive a bit into mechanics, and while your chart won’t be like mine, hopefully, you’ll be able to see the thread of how to work with your Authority.
I’m a 34-10-57 Integration Generator. Gate 34 is asexual in that it’s only about power, nothing else. It’s not for reproductivity or nurturing, it’s not for the tribe or for the collective. It’s for itself. It’s my only Sacral gate. 34/10 is channeled twice for me, one fully conscious and the other fully unconscious.
With 10 as a role gate, in complete synch with my 3/5 profile, and where my Jupiters reside, behavior is a super-big-frickin’ deal to me. My convictions, my principles, the way I move in the world—it’s everything to me. If that isn’t in alignment, everything is out of place. I’m building a house on sand and it will come crashing down.
My 34 is in Neptune, so it’s veiled, which means that Generator response can be confusing at times. With a completely open Solar Plexus and Ego, plus as a Quad Right, I draw everything in. I can very easily be in response as a spokesperson for the energy of someone else if I’m not careful. Aside from the marker of Generator frustration, I find anger to be a strong clue. Underneath the 34 is rage. You don’t even have to be a Manifestor.
It isn’t running around pissed off all the time. It’s anger when I’m disempowered. And, that’s exactly what I was feeling at how this relationship was handled. When Rebekah helped me see that, it took some pressure off of me for why this has been such a hot zone.
She also guided me to look at how I was behaving in relationship. That was my truth bomb.
I could go back and list all of the ways I did my best, how I offered support, how I did what I could. But in that, the focus is on action, not being. I hadn’t once looked at who I was.
34/10 is about exploration of your own convictions. I haven’t been doing that when another person is involved.
I don’t have too many Abstract activations in my chart, and the ones that I do have are unconscious. They feel like places where stuff gets put on me, like life happens to me instead of for me. Ra recommended that rest is imperative for the Abstract. It doesn’t have to be sleep, but it does have to be some activity or non-activity that lets your spirit rest so that the experience can be absorbed and digested. You’ll get the point when you get it, you can’t watch it happen like you can with Logic.
I’m very strong on Logic and Logic is always looking for the pattern, for the point of the experience to see if it can be replicated and relied upon as a future solution. It’s never satisfied (it can’t be by its very nature). My conscious Sun is in 18, so I’m literally designed to challenge and judge - only when asked and I respond, and not against myself.
But, the mind needs a job or it will drive you crazy. After our session, I followed Rebekah’s recommendation to do some exercise to move the adrenalized energy (I have one of the Root to Spleen “sports” channels in 58/18). Then, when I checked in with my spirit, it felt drawn to trees. My conscious Moon is in gate 15 and I carry the design of plants. I’m very aware of how healing nature is for me.
It’s in the mid-90s and very humid here, so a walk was out of the question. I was about to abandon the idea and get back on my computer, when it occurred to me that a drive through the park could be just as healing as walking. I took Charleston with me and let myself follow my intuition. At certain places, it felt correct to pull over in the shade, roll down the window, have Charleston on my lap, and just gaze at the trees. I didn’t have to think and didn’t even feel pressured to come up with a solution. I was finally able to exhale.
This morning, it came to me that the reason I could have experiences by myself and not judge them or need a point—where I could trust the Abstract process—was because I was having them as myself. But, when I’m in relationship, I morph into someone else. I value relationships (quarter of bonding, single split, plus I’m a Libra). But, what good is that if I shape-shift into someone else during that process?
Looking back, I can see where I was afraid it would end and I had a messed up idea about how much a woman is supposed to over-give to compensate. I wasn’t true to my principles about who I want to be in a relationship, so it became stuck. It’s no coincidence that my skin has been itchy, and as it’s escalated over these last 3 months, I often feel like food is stuck in my throat. That can be translated as what is irritating me and what can’t I swallow?
Turns out, as much as I could give you a list about how things were’t handled well in the breakup, the person I’ve really been mad at is myself. I haven’t felt like I trust myself. It’s no wonder. I wasn’t showing up as myself.
I was living with a lot of angst about what I’d do if he asked to get back together. After my Sacral Session, that’s gone. I get it now. When I’m in alignment with my own convictions, what the other person does or doesn’t do really doesn’t matter. If I disappear in a relationship, of course, the pain is going to be tremendous because it’s in direct correlation to how strongly I’ve abandoned myself.
I still miss him and I still have all of the love. But, I could see that I was holding him responsible for something I was supposed to do for myself. Rejection is never fun or easy, but it made me see how much I had left myself. Once I got in touch with that, the anger evaporated.
How can you apply this to your chart? Look to your primary marker of your Type, Strategy, & Authority. Check in with your cognition (it’s driving your Authority). Look to your channels. What creates your Authority? Which channel is defining it and how might other activations in those centers be affecting you?
Then, look to any other channels in your design that may be pushing strong energy in counterpoint to your Authority. For instance, my 58/18 was judging the f*ck out of everything, and all I knew was how angry I was—it had me spinning my wheels because I was distracted from the core issue of that 34-10-57.
There are other advanced mechanics that can be examined, such as your not-self mental strategy, your Distraction, and your Transference. But, really, it can be overkill when you’re wound up and need to move through something. You’re either in alignment or not. Staying on the surface can be a big help while you move through the block. Then, you can pull out your magnifying glass later on.
And, work with someone. Human Design can be a lonely process. The language is weird, the process of eating or sleeping alone (if you choose to) is weird, de-conditioning is weird (and painful), the transformation is weird. It can be lonely. Find someone who gets it. Make a buddy. Taking a class can be a great way to interact with others, as can finding a gifted coach like Rebekah who can skillfully blend Human Design with life coaching.
However it is for you, find the ones who can support you through your journey.
And, most of all, keep your heart open. Let yourself be who you came here to be. Recognize that our teachers come in all sorts of forms and experiences. Be honest with yourself about who you really are and what you really want. Then, let the Universe rise to meet you.