The underbelly of Human Design

I disappointed a friend today. I mean really disappointed.

We've known each other forever. I had a lot of momentum to help when I was asked. I could give you a very long list of all the amazing ways I've benefitted from us knowing each other. Plus, it's in me to want to help those I care about. My default position with loved ones is to give, not withhold.

But.

I'm really different. I don't tend to react the same ways I used to. And, when that knee-jerk reaction does come up, I get space to realize it's my mind or conditioned behavior prodding me along. It's really uncomfortable, like taking a deep breath after a lifetime of shallow sips of air.

But, once you go through that door, you can't go back. The genie is already out of the bottle. What kind of magic you make with him is entirely up to you. But, it's yours to make.

Human Design can look really glossy on the surface...it's coated in spirituality and metaphysics, in a quest to awaken to our authenticity. Never mind that Ra was a self-described "profound atheist," embedded in the teachings is coming home to your truth, to embodying your unique, differentiated self.

Nobody really talks about how effing hard that is. How uncomfortable it makes you. How lonely it can be to set fire to your old life and try your dangdest to pull yourself up from the ashes.

Trying to go back to who you used to be is like going back into The Matrix. You might enjoy the fantasy, but you know you're stuck in a pod somewhere with machines sucking the life out of you.

I was unpacking this, noticing how tight my chest feels, how there is a lump in my throat...when suddenly, a pattern became crystal clear to me.

You know how it seems like there is always one crappy house on the street? Everybody else manages to make their yard look nice, to keep their trash in the proper receptacles, to not have flotsam and jetsam scattered everywhere?

And, no matter how nice the street looks and how much work you do to keep your side of it clean, there's this ugly, sore thumb that keeps sticking up?

I've been working with that for quite a while now. It's been painful and frustrating because I keep coming back to, I am doing what is right, why is this in my vibration? Why am I experiencing this? What more do I have to learn? I already know that I value beauty and that I want to feel less hyper-responsible, but this lesson is overkill.

Like I said, painful and frustrating.

I've gone through my spiritual toolkit over it: tapping, journaling, affirmations, so much forgiveness work, compassion, etc. etc. etc. I've worn myself ragged trying to find a way to make this situation go away. The closest I could come was deep breathing and blocking contact so I didn't snap and say something I'd regret.

When I was processing my feelings over disappointing my friend, I saw that everybody has a right to feel how they feel and it's not my place to judge where I think they should be on their journey. It was easier to do because it was with a loved one. I have the same right to my own journey. I have a right to say no, that I don't want to walk that particular path with them.

The neighbor is the same lesson...throughout all of my mental turmoil, I thought they were wrong and that they should change. I wasn't creating space for that neighbor to be who they really are, even if the truth for that person is living as a slob-kabob.

I hope my friend can accept my no. I hope that neighbor either leaves or takes better care of their property. But either way, I'm the one who is living in my skin, in my head. Even if it's uncomfortable and painful, the gift of Human Design is honesty. The underbelly is that it can be a really gritty clearing out process to get there.

My truth is that I want to be honored for my yes as well as my no. My truth is also that I want to live in a beautiful area.

I will block both of things if I try to perform, and if I make the other person wrong because I have been put in an uncomfortable position.

I love how Oprah talks about how she looks at everything through the lens of, What is this here to teach me? It works on the premise that life and our experiences are happening for us rather than to us. In psychology, we'd refer to that as an internal locus of control rather than an external one...it's a fancy way of saying that it keeps you out of victim mindset. You don't hand your power over to someone else.

And because I love her so much, I'm going to bring Louise Hay into this: I am the thinker of my own thoughts, and The point of power is always in the present moment. We may not be able to immediately change what is happening around us, but we can choose - and I really mean choose, you have to decide on it - how we want to respond.

One of her affirmations that I've been working with a lot, and that I credit to these changes is: I am peaceful with my mind. I forgive easily. I reward myself with thoughts of praise. I do a ton of spiritual work and rigorous mental inventories. My mind is always running, so I like to give it a job that will benefit me.

I was very blessed to recently have an Akashic Record Clearing session with Tess Whitehurst. It felt like 10 years of psychotherapy in an hour. It's part of how I've been intensively working to make changes in my life. The neighbor I can live without, but I hope my friendships won't be a casualty of it. Still, I have to be honest about who I am and what I can offer.

I've been clinging to integrity, self-approval, and innocence as the freedom qualities she identified and recorded for me. The simple act of writing them out here feels empowering and life-giving.

And here is where living your Design can support that pathway. It does bring you in touch with your true self.

Our shadows are part of us just as much as the glossy parts we show to others. It's all us. As A Course in Miracles talks about, There's really only one of us here. That can feel like blame if you make yourself responsible for everyone else's experiences. Up close, it's overwhelming because we're working through the limited filter of our own personalities and life experiences. But, if you zoom out to a broader perspective and consider yourself part of the tapestry of consciousness, you can give grace to the darker threads that aren't your favorite. They are serving the pattern just as much as the golden shiny ones we like to shine a light on.

Because we are all connected, if you make others wrong, you are making yourself wrong. Judgement always ricochets back into feelings of guilt, blame, and shame.

I love to think of it in terms of a mud puddle. Objectively, someone is flailing around, getting dirtier by the minute, making a mess. They can be crying that they want to be clean, but until they step out of that mud puddle, it won't happen. Spirituality and forgiveness can sound like volunteering to be a doormat or pouring pink paint over a dirty wall. It can look like enabling bad behavior.

I see it as once you get out of the mud puddle and get yourself cleaned up, then you can decide what your next step is. I love to quote Einstein's phrase of, You can't solve a problem from the same level of thinking (aka consciousness) that created it. You can't change a pattern by merging with it. When you step outside of it and get perspective, anger softens to right action, judgement transforms into compassion, and vengeance transmutes to justice. You know what do to because it's coming from your heart, and that doesn't circumvent responsibility or accountability.

Maybe my answer is to pick up my neighbor's trash and choose to do it as an act of kindness. Maybe my answer is to lodge a complaint. If I'm fuming and swallowing poison, I can't get to clarity. I can't change what someone else does or doesn't do, but I can take a deep breath. I can remember how I want to feel and do my best to line up with that vibration. And then, to feel into my next step.

Maybe I'll disappoint more friends along this path as I say no much more often. If I'm coming from my truth, that's the best gift I can give.

Maybe I'm weaving a different pattern because I'm finally working with my true fabric. Maybe I'm coming to love my dark threads just as much as my light ones. Maybe I'm finally becoming me.

My prayer is that you find your own becoming, that you learn to love yourself, that you give yourself grace and compassion along the way.

You're not alone in this. I'm walking right beside you.

Shine on,

Jennifer.