Breaking the Bond

Things have been difficult over the past few months, which I’ve written about…no need to re-tread tired ground.

I’m a big believer in Tarot, as you know. I’ve seen romance indicated and then it goes away. When the cards have been read for me, all signs have pointed green, but it doesn’t manifest. It feels the same way when it comes to financial stability and that Cullen house I’ve been dreaming of (incidentally, it was done by SkyLab Architecture…such gorgeous work!!!). I even built the Lego set as a way to honor what I want to manifest in my life.

I’ve been frustrated not only that the pace seems glacial, but that I’ve had the niggling worry that I’m the problem. I know what it’s like to be impatiently waiting for the Universe to align the cooperative elements for the plan to come together. I don’t like it but I get it. I’d much rather have the full vision come in the proper time/space sequence that try to force my way based on the tunnel I’ve driven myself into.

I’ve seen the vision of my future home, the light, the serenity. I’ve felt it. I can practically taste it. I’ve even been surprised to see that I’m not alone with my dog, that I’ll have a partner. I’ve seen how it can facilitate the deep soul work I want to offer to the world. How spirituality doesn’t have to be a lofty unattainable goal, how it can be practical and grounded in the mundane. I’ve seen my work space, I’ve seen the beauty I’ll be surrounded by and what I’ll share. I’ve seen how it perfectly honors my design.

So, where the Effing-F is it already?

I did what I would tell someone else to do. I got still, went within, and humbly and openly (open is key…I dropped my expectation or opinion about what I thought the answer should be) asked my guide to guide me.

She took me to a willow tree that was near water (willows hold a lot of significance for me, and my logo comes from my friend’s watercolor painting of a willow leaf). They’re portents of change, of moving through the underworld, and of meaningful connection.

I could see my vision as a miniature, very far away. I could see the beautiful home, I could see the lovely light emanating from within, hear the laughter, feel the warm connection. It was so close and yet so unattainable.

Why? Why is something that feels like it comes from my soul not here?

What is the problem?

In Human Design’s study of Lines in Profile, we hear repeatedly about the 3rd Line and the theme of bonds made and broken. This is the Line of experimentation, of discovery and adaptability. When viewed in that context, changing bonds makes sense because the process is inherently unstable.

I am curious about how that shows up whether the 3rd Line resides on the unconscious body side or the conscious personality side (for instance a 1/3 vs. a 3/5).

Ra said that if you want to test new technology, put it in the hands of a 1/3. If you want to test a concept, give it to a 3/5. There is a difference between a physical or a mental experience of experimentation.

I’ve had the unpleasant experience (as I’m sure we all have) of someone breaking the bond with me. When I look back, I can usually find a key point, even if it was a tiny truth, where I let go. The other person stepping away was a manifestation of what I had already called in. It takes a lot for me to walk away (I suspect this is because of the seven 3rd Lines I carry, only one is body-based).

But, before I physically walk away, I cut ties mentally. It’s like I’m holding a balloon and I simply let go of the string. I can’t do it on purpose, much as I might like to, it just happens when I surrender to the truth of the situation.

It happened today.

I have been trying very hard to make a situation work, to try and find a way to improve it (personality Sun in 18.3). Having a 3rd Line personality indicates a mental resilience and tenacity. Once I’m engaged in something, I don’t give up easily—at all. I will keep trying to find a way to make it work.

When I finally accepted the truth of the situation, that a fresh coat of paint over a moldy wall is still a toxic environment, my fingers let go of the string. It was incredible because I felt the bond break.

I took Charleston for a walk so I could clear my head and anchor back into the nature-based serenity that nourishes my Mountains environment. It brought to mind a fabulous interview at Stanford in which Oprah talked about how she came to be where she was.

At the early part of her career, she was doing an anchor job, the exact same job as her co-anchor. But, they were paid disparately. When she asked for parity, her boss tried to demean her. He pointed out that her coworker had a family, a mortgage, responsibilities that she did not. He didn’t care that she was receiving unequal pay for the same work. To that employer, men were worth more than women.

I’ve watched that interview several times because I find her fascinating. I especially love that part of the story because of how she handled it. She didn’t fight, she didn’t get into histrionics or storm out. She embodied grace and dignity. She said, thank you for your time, and she left the room.

She didn’t end up leaving immediately, but she waited for her next opportunity (she’s a 2/4). She realized the truth of her situation, recognized that she could not change them, knew that she was put here for a greater purpose, and surrendered to the perfect timing that would guide her to her next step.

I felt like that today. No matter that I have 3 decades of experience, 4 degrees, and a couple of dozen trainings and certifications under my belt, it won’t be enough for that situation. They are correctly reading my Heretic 5th Line body-based aura, and they do want me to save the day, but it isn’t with the dignity of honoring my Sacral response, nor is it with the honor of allowing me to set the terms (as Generators are designed to do when they’ve been asked).

I saw why I’m not living in that SkyLab home surrounded by trees that I’m yearning for. I saw why I’ve been hesitant to engage deeply with people since there have been so many bonds painfully broken. I saw why being financially independent feels so out of reach.

The moldy wall isn’t the problem. Not being able to stay in the romantic relationship that I wanted to be in isn’t the problem. People leaving isn’t the problem. The soul vision isn’t the problem. The problem is me. I have had the belief that it’s my job to keep repainting that decrepit wall, to keep trying to make relationships work when the other person is clearly not interested in growing together. My dream is beautiful. I’ve been in the way of letting it manifest.

I understood what my guide was showing me. My vision was so small because I’ve been spending so much time and energy analyzing and focusing on everything I don’t want. I’ve been arguing with it, trying to find the sliver I could wedge myself into so I would finally be accepted. I’ve been using my 3rd Line profile of discovery, experimentation, and adaptability against myself in the worst way.

So, what to do with this?

One of Louise Hay’s most simple and yet most difficult exercises is this: Open your arms wide, tilt your head back, and say out loud, “I deserve all good.” Then, watch what happens. How uncomfortable do you feel? Does your mind fight back with a bunch of arguments about why that isn’t the case? Do you feel unworthy of it? Like you haven’t done enough to earn it?

That’s how it was for me in the beginning. Even that posture felt embarrassingly challenging. But, as I’ve been practicing, it’s starting to feel like an embrace I can relax into. It feels like a soft sigh. It feels like I’m starting to come home to myself.

Regardless of the roller-coaster life that 3/5’s can be prone to, life is not meant to be as hard as I’ve been making it for myself. Not everything has to be such a struggle. I don’t have to martyr myself on someone else’s cross. I get to let things come to me. I get to be satisfied along the way. I get to enjoy myself and how I use my energy in the world. I get to be myself. I get to just be.

One of the lessons I picked up along the way (I don’t remember by whom) is that we confuse the vehicle of prosperity/love/etc. as being the decider and giver of it. The Universe is always flowing love and abundance toward us because it is our birthright. We are the ones who block it. This is echoed in A Course in Miracles where a key teaching is not to attract or draw in love but rather, to remove the blocks to its presence.

In this teaching, what we want is already all around us. We’re the ones who aren’t allowing it in. We can get really attached to thinking we need that lover, that friend, that client, that job…that they’re the arbiters of how much joy and success we have in life. But really, they are simply the channels the Universe is flowing energy through. If they choose not to participate, the Universe will find a different way.

But, if we keep dropping our bucket into an empty well, we’ll be the ones dying of thirst. It’s not the well’s fault, nor is it our job to try to make it be something it isn’t. All we have to do is divine the next step and follow the path. I believe that we are always, always being guided. To me, life is like a video game where there are clues to that level’s goal and little hints and helpers along the way. We are never alone.

Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or a hostile universe.”

I take that to heart.

As I was working through breaking the bond with the very restrictive religion I was brought up in, I was so angry. I considered myself an atheist for quite some time. It was the only way I could get space to begin to de-program my psyche. I knew deep down, though, that I didn’t want to live that way.

Even when I didn’t believe on my own, I prayed that I would want to believe, that I would be open to cultivate faith in something greater.

I still don’t believe in a “god” like maybe a lot of others do. But, I believe in love. I believe in oneness and unity. I believe in magic.

So, I pray to love. I pray to guides of the highest truth and compassion (thank you, Gabby Bernstein, that helped me a lot when I was going through that phase of my life).

When I tap into that greater truth, that we are all one, that we are consciousness experiencing itself…well, what someone says to me or does or doesn’t do isn’t such a big deal. Whether that house or lover or client comes this month or next year isn’t such a kerfuffle because the ever-present now is so full and rich.

When I got that little bit of peace today, when I had the clarity to understand the situation and my role in it, I felt like I cleared one of those blocks to love’s presence. I felt like my vision got a little larger and I took one step closer toward it.

Maybe I’ll get myself worked up over something all over again. Maybe I’ll have to remind myself of what happened today.

That’s ok. Growth is a spiral. And, I believe that when we’re on this path, we’re planting beacons. If we double back around and end up re-treading old ground, we don’t have to fumble in the dark. As we share understanding, we ease the way for those who will follow us. And, we open ourselves to companionship along the way.

What Universe do you live in? Is it a loving one? Do you yearn to experience truth and freedom and the most beautiful connection? Can you feel your soul opening and softening? That’s the journey I’m taking. I’m walking right beside you.

Shine on,

Jennifer Grace