Generator Enslavement

Buckle up, buttercup. This is a long one. I'm covering a near-relapse of anorexia, how I'm processing a lot of change, the truth in the body, and how it all correlates to my HD chart.

Before I get to the Generator enslavement part, I’m going to tell you something private: I stopped eating for a couple of weeks. I spent nearly three decades in the clutches of an eating disorder. I clawed my way through hell to recover. Even now, I don’t think I could diet no matter how hard I tried. I consider myself recovered.

But (and this is a big 'but'). When I’m under great stress, my body’s go-to is to circle the wagons. Feeling lighter inside gives me a break from over-stimulation externally. It’s hard to be honest when I tell you that aside from the part of me who was witnessing and concerned that I was about to relapse, it also felt really good. I finally felt like I had a measure of control when my life was being upended. I was pleased that my body found a way to say, “No more!” when I didn’t know how to do it myself. Plus, I like the buzzy lightness. I like not feeling weighed down. I like feeling like I could float away.

I don’t know about you, but that screams trauma to me. I know where all of it came from. I’ve been leaving my body since I was a kid. A big part of my energy work was to repair my aura. I had punched so many holes in it, that I could disassociate before I even realized it. I’m integrated now, but that wasn’t the case for most of my life.

I’ve found that my ability and desire to take in life (connect, experience, eat, etc.) are in lockstep with how grounded I feel. When too much is going on, I shut everything out. I don’t want intimacy. I don’t want new experiences. And, I certainly don’t want to deal with having to digest food on top of it. I fantasize about living in isolation, floating serenely in beautiful lightness.

To me, when we heal from something, there is a body-holds-the-memory key in that it is where your body has communicated with you and you have learned to listen. Whether it’s your knee, your back, your neck, your head…somewhere there is a tender place where you can drop in and find your truth.

I carry Gate 35 on the body side (it’s a fullness indicator, a stop marker) and nothing in that physiological stream to tell me I’m hungry. I don’t have a defined, consistent way of feeling desire to eat, being in the mood to eat, or having the impulse to eat. I don’t carry the stomach or the mouth. In fact, the only thing I carry out of all of the eating biological markers is “No. Enough. I’m ready to be done with this.”

If I’m with others, I temporarily pick up on their ways. Ra looked to 39/55 as a strong indicator of an eating disorder because Gate 55 is a passion for food, or not. But, absent any activations out of the Solar Plexus and the correlating streams, I look to Gate 46 (the body, the form, the mother of the Spleen and health) as well as Gate 45 (elimination), and Gate 21 (command of the diet). Center-wise, I look to what is pinging the person…an open Ego is going to think it needs to prove itself and 58/18 is going to be prone towards perfectionism. A logical format of 9 or 52 + a logical Ajna is going to be very focused and concentrated on its process.

Take that in my chart: brimming with concentrated logic, perfecting 58/18, possessive 45, open Ego with a not-self tendency towards control, open Solar Plexus with a not-self tendency towards crisis, and Gate 35 as a physical constraint or boundary on the body (Saturn). To me, that is a marker for abnegation of food when under great stress.

And, I’ve been under it. New work situation that prompted me to write this post. My Human Design study group had its natural dissolution (we entered correctly so we exited correctly, but I still miss them). My dog required surgery and bit me while she was in pain during recovery. I lost hope that a very close familial bond would be able to be repaired based on an unexpected interaction. There’s probably more, but that feels like enough to get the point across.

I know I am blessed. There are so many people who have so many more difficulties. For me, though, I can only go by my experience and I’ve been having a rough go. It feels like it should be December instead of May. This is Tarot’s Tower time.

With all of that stress, I didn’t even make a decision not to eat. I just couldn’t stomach anything else. It felt like someone had punched me in my sternum, or like a really big pill got lodged there. I had to make sure I chewed really well and I couldn’t take much even then. I’d estimate my food intake was down to less than 1/4 of my normal amount. I was getting barely enough calories to avoid fainting or a hypoglycemic episode, but I was borderline and I knew it.

Those things weren’t on purpose. When the crazy-conditioned part of my brain started telling me it’d be better if I bought a scale, if I worked out more, if I lost more weight, I knew I was in trouble. When I’m in that place, that distorted logic feels safe to me because if I’m smaller, I’m less of a target for whatever feels the most threatening in my environment. So, I say it out loud. I told a very close friend who I knew wouldn't judge me. Being honest helps me catch myself.

In my experience of anorexia, control is everything, as is presenting a perfect and pleasing persona. I hid my compulsive exercising, my obsession with food, my quest to finally be perfect enough so that I would be safe and lovable. I’d done a lot of work in that area and thankfully it was enough to catch me before I relapsed. My body showed me how much help I needed. I’ve learned to not judge it for how it communicates with me, but rather to be grateful that I got the message.

So, that’s how I knew that I needed a way to integrate the change in my life. It’s been a crucible for learning how to respond as a Generator in difficult circumstances. To not be overruled by a fearful mind and to learn to trust that the next step will be shown when it’s time for me to take it. Without that, I’m caught up in a wave of whatever crisis is happening around me. I lose myself. I don’t know my yes or my no because I’ve disassociated from my body.

Ra talked so much about liberating Generators, about how we can so easily become slaves to someone else’s agenda. After all, this is the creative force that built the pyramids, the railroads, the empires…Generators are the worker bees.

On the surface, that sounds kind of ok. I know what power I tap into when my Sacral is buzzing. I know what it’s like when it’s supported by the rest of my design. I know the flush of vitality and energy (Gate 58) I can feel when I’m in response on something that self-empowers (Integration). I’ve felt, experienced, and understood that.

As someone with Gate 15’s Extremes, I also know that I rarely walk in balance (as much as the Libra within me is always trying to find it). When I’m in, I’m all in. When I’m out, I’m all out. I’m rarely in the middle of an issue. And when I am, that tells me I haven’t responded to it because it’s not for me. It’s a soft no. And, if I’m not careful, I can be swayed to someone else’s yes if I fall into people pleasing (open Solar Plexus and Ego).

All of that I got. I’m coming up on four years in my experiment. I’ve been fortunate to have plenty of time by myself so I can get a solid grasp on what I feel like. Then, I could turn my attention to watching how my energy plays out when I’m in connection with others.

I’ve experienced the frustration of wanting to go and get something done, to really get a project off the ground (I don’t have Gate 53’s starter energy or Gate 42’s finishing energy). I can feel when there is potential with someone but the timing isn’t right. I don’t like it, but I’ve learned to trust that my Sacral can be held in abeyance until the right cooperative elements are in place.

Ra’s teaching on waiting for inspiration to respond to has finally landed for me. In those times, I look to my Desire motivation and find something else that turns me on and I get busy (Gate 34) with that instead. Then, I’m not marinating in frustration over something I can’t control (Gate 45 points to not having Gate 21, which makes 21's control a conditioning receptor).

Ok, so I’ve seen those things work. I can preach them because I’ve lived them.

I’ve also seen it when I’m really caught up in a project that is mine to do…I’ve experienced it with a beautiful Quad Right flow when I’m creating or researching something (usually for Human Design). Those feel wonderful to me because I’m in my Integration lane and running at my own speed. It can have a bit of a manic tinge because those are times when the rest of my life goes on hold while I’m consumed with whatever that project happens to be (Gate 34 is powerfully busy with being busy, after all).

It can feel like being driven. Like I jumped in a river and as long as I don’t think about it too much, I’ll move with the rapids and keep my head above water.

Again, Ra’s teachings have made sense and I’ve seen them play out in my own life. I’ve gotten much better at discerning when my body tells me that’s the rapid it wants to ride vs. when I think I should jump in. The former produces something that is so satisfying to have been a part of. The latter has me dragging myself, sputtering and waterlogged.

The part of his teachings that I could hear but not really live was the Generator slave phenomena. Maybe it’s because I carry so much definition. My split is at my Throat, but even so, I am designed to share my detailed, organized opinions (17/62). Because the mind is not designed for action, only for expression of concepts (Gates 62, 23, and 56 are metamorphic in that they translate concepts into words but they are not Gates of action), having a split there helps me not rush in when I’m already tempted to just get going already.

And, carrying 58/18 defined to Integration of 34/57/10 means that I’ll step outside of my own self-empowerment to share with the Collective when I’ve responded to it. 58/18 is a projected element which means others need to ask. You respond there, you don’t push there.

I’ve worked with that intense energy by falling back into Integration and what I’ve responded to for my own satisfaction. I’ve learned to trust that if I’m turned on by it (Generator satisfaction + Desire motivation), chances are it will feed into something that will eventually help others. I focus on filling my Gate 48 Well of Depth with as much juicy stuff as I can and it comes out when it needs to (Right Awareness).

But even then, if nobody asks me about that particular thing, it’s ok because I had so much fun doing it. It’s kind of like making an amazing meal. You’re feeding yourself and you can realize that you’d love to share it with someone else, but you also know that you loved making it for yourself. So, if you don’t prepare it for someone else right away, that’s ok because you took care of you.

With me so far? This is how I’ve been watching my design as it moves in the world (and even that is natural because Generators are here to answer the question of, Who am I?). Then, I compare my experience to Ra’s teachings. And, I watch and listen to others (Gate 13).

I was on track until I kept coming across the enslavement issue. Integration 34/10/57 knows (57) what to be busy about (34) and if the behavior serves the self or others (10). In this complex Channel, the only component I don’t carry is Gate 20’s Now. I meet 20’s like crazy, and when I do, it feels like my energy gets brought to the surface. I haven’t noticed it doing anything to me that wasn’t already mine to do, I just may do it sooner rather than later.

Obviously, the matrix of Integration changes. For instance, if you carry 34/57/20, you may be busy knowing in the now. And when you meet a 10, it’s suddenly their behavior that you’re expressing.

Again, all ok.

With all of that, how could I be a Generator slave?

I’ve finally experienced it and I suspect it comes down to particular chart interactions. I only have one hanging Gate in an undefined Center…my 61 Mystery. But, it’s part of my nodal path and I come across it frequently, plus I love it. It’s not something I feel like I have to push or force. I’ve learned to surrender there, too. It’s not a pain point.

All of my other hanging Gates are in defined Centers, so they’re getting expressed via those Center’s Channels. I suspect if this weren’t the case, the Generator enslavement phenomena would be more more pervasive for me.

Integration is a tricky beast. When Gate 10 is present, behavior isn’t just for the self. There is a mechanical acknowledgment that there are others involved. When Gate 57 is in the mix, there is an awareness of knowing. It softens the potential narcissism.

Integration is deeply impacted by 28/38’s Channel of Struggle. Ra talked about it often in a mixed context. It seemed he gave more emphasis to Gate 28 rather than 38. Personally, I’ve noticed that Gate 28 impacts me differently from Gate 38. The adrenalized tension that Gate 38’s can carry feels unsettling to me as a Feeling Cognition Quad Right. I pick them up too strongly and tend to want to back away.

A hanging Gate 28, though, softens me right up. I catch myself caring about them. I find myself being much more likely to share my resources. I consider them mine (Gate 45 is possessive as the tribal leader). It just comes out of me. I’m getting less surprised because I understand what it is. But, I have no control over it.

We come back to the incessant drumbeat of Strategy & Authority so you’re in the right place with the right people and doing what is right for you to do.

In a work context, I’ve recently found myself working really hard. I finally feel like the Generator slave Ra talked about so often. I’ve worked long hours before, but here, it’s not my agenda so the fatigue doesn’t feel like a satisfying expenditure. It just feels like weary heaviness.

I wondered, why now? I haven’t seen this new person in my life’s chart yet, but I suspect there is Gate 16 to both complete the circuit of 58/18-48 and bridge it to my Throat. And, I suspect that either Gate 28 or 38 are present because the focus is off my agenda. A 12-hour day is suddenly on the table.

This enslavement feels weird. It’s like someone went inside my body, figured out how to hot-wire my navigation, and suddenly I’m motoring along a road that doesn’t feel like mine. I’m just working and working and working.

I feel terrible for many reasons: a) I want time to draw and paint and play with my dog, b) I want to keep better on top of normal household stuff like laundry, c) my exercise habits are taking a hit, and most importantly is d) I don’t like thinking about this type of work (with Quad Right and 48’s Depth, I am experiencing what the other draws out of me). a+b+c+d = I feel really trapped.

How did it happen?

I was curious about how certain situations in my life change on a dime (Gate 35.3) and others last for decades. I looked to my 4th Lines as those are very stable externalizations of energy. It’s the opportunist networker who externalizes where they are until invited to another network. The hard part about that is if you are frustrated, angry, bitter, or disappointed with where you are, how likely are you to attract a new situation? The not-self gets very entrenched and eats its own tail in a deepening spiral.

I’m a strong 3/5 gal. But, I do carry 4th Lines on both the body and personality sides in Gate 34 Power and Gate 45 Gathering Together. I can get very fixed and stuck in my Sacral expenditure where I am sharing and educating.

This is one of those cases where it’s hard to come to this knowledge as an adult who has to decondition so much gunk. If you started wrong, it’s very difficult to end correctly. Ra talked about how we have these vast cities where all of our encounters live until the 7-year cellular cycle is renewed. That encounter with the stranger at Target, that frenemy who gets your goat, your ex who caused so much pain…all of them have places to live inside of you. Whether they’re making a racket or sleeping peacefully depends on how correct you were in your relationship (“correct” is not about perfection or blame…it’s about whether you followed your Type, Strategy & Authority).

Another true thing I’ve seen. Some relationships haunt me. If you experience that also, I suspect you’ll find it’s because you weren’t honored with the dignity of being yourself.

So, in an entrenched situation while I’m trying to wake up…I’ve been going along and keeping my head above water. Suddenly, it feels like things are different. How did I get hot-wired so quickly?

As I said, I suspect there is a bridge of a strong circuit and I bet it’s a Projector carrying Gate 38 (I say 38 because this feels adrenalized and unstable to me). That’s a hat trick. The only other place I’ve seen where my energy can be wielded so effectively is when I meet the completion of Centering Circuit…when my 34/10 meets a 25/51 Initiation and it’s a person carrying a 1st Color on either their unconscious or conscious Sun/Earth. My Sacral is 1st Color, which is not how my Sun/Earth’s roll, so when I meet them, I perk up.

Coming across a Projector who is designed to orchestrate Generator energy, who catalyzes Integration, bridges my Throat split in a Circuit, and who is probably tapping into Sacral Power at a fundamental level…what chance do I have?

I arrogantly thought that I was above Ra’s talk about Generators. I thought that because I hadn’t experienced it yet, I was immune. I thought Integration afforded me special protection.

It’s been humbling to watch this unfold. It’s also been a challenge to reconcile how it feels good to have my energy in use compared to knowing what it should be used on. The lynchpin I come back to over and over is, Would I do it for free?

I love you all and I’m grateful you’re along for the ride with me. And, I deeply want my work to help you and make a difference for you. But, even if you weren’t here and I was on a mountaintop with my dog, I’d be doing this anyway. I’d be researching and studying Human Design. I’d be pulling Tarot cards and thanking them for the truth they showed me. I’d be reading Theosophy and metaphysics. I’d be making magic, so much magic, and delighting in synchronicities. I’d be having these conversations in my head. I’d likely even create my writings for the pure pleasure of doing so.

I want so many people to be helped by my work. But I would do it even they don’t find me. I am Desire-locked on Human Design. It’s part of my path. How long I’m on that path isn’t up to me, but I know I’m on it.

The other work, though…would I do it for free? Absolutely not. That’s how I tell if I’m enslaved. It can feel good to have my motor humming along, but even if I’m too tired to feel frustrated (another clue because Gate 58 is vitality, or not), I know it’s not right. I don’t love it. It’s a byproduct of my natural skill set: a deeply logical and analytical mind of a person who carries depth and a talent for perfecting processes.

I’d much rather spend time organizing my art supplies than organizing concepts for a project that I don’t care about. To me, Generator enslavement feels like being a cog in a wheel. Maybe that wheel is rolling smoothly because there’s a talented Projector guiding it, but it’s a cog nonetheless.

In the business aspects of Human Design, it’s such a different world. The goal is not personal awakening, the goal is using people’s energy efficiently and effectively while they’re there to earn a living. That’s what I’ve been experiencing. I’m now awake enough to notice it.

Sometimes I think to myself, f*ck Human Design (except not really because I love it). Once you’re awake, you’re awake. You’ve taken the red pill. You can’t go back to sleep. How many people are out there with their designs leveraged to serve someone else? How many of us are too tired to put up a fight anymore? How many are so burned out from the rinse-repeat of sleep, work, and eat? How often do we confuse using energy in alignment with how it feels to have it used?

That is where Human Design is a saving grace. I’ve seen this now, I’m carrying my own awareness (Ajna and Spleen) that tells me this isn’t right for me. Not carrying a Solar Plexus definition also tells me that I am not designed to make emotional decisions…that is where my perceptions will be skewed. I know I’m not in the right place (defined G Center). I also know that when I try to initiate change, it backfires and frustrates me even further.

I don’t know what to do with all of this yet. So much has shed already that I’m almost numb to it. And of course, being tired doesn’t help anything.

In a recent session with my mentor, we were working with the question, Where’s my door? Alice in Wonderland is my favorite story (‘Looking Glass’ Reflections is a nod to her as well as to the shadow work that generates transformation). I both loved her and wanted to be her. To have such an adventure, to experience all of that craziness, and to move through it. She was guided whenever she needed it. She was given resources…she was tall or tiny depending on what the path required. She didn’t have to make anything happen, she got to experience it. She also got to walk away. To me, Alice is the quintessential 3/5 on the human experiential path.

So, where’s my door? I don’t know yet, but I’m looking. I’m feeling. I’m waiting. I’m finding my way to eat while all of this is going on. And really, isn’t that the perfect analogy for taking in life and experiences, letting it nurture you, being changed by it, and releasing what you don’t need?

Another lesson I've learned from Ra is to not try to do anything anyway. When it’s right, you find yourself doing it without having to think about or force or cajole your way into it. Everything has its natural timing and when you’re aligned, you can flow along with it.

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I took my car to the mechanic for a check-up. Without even having to decide, my body guided me to go for a little walk instead of just plunking myself in the waiting room. I let my mind go quiet as I absorbed all of the gorgeous trees around me. I felt myself breathe. Then, my body told me it was enough, and I turned around and headed back. It didn't matter that it was the middle of a block and it might have looked strange to other people. I stood underneath a specific tree and then I felt it was time to return.

That’s what I’m talking about. This isn’t autopilot where you’re not present and your conditioning is running your life. This is surrender to and integration with the body. It’s the place where decisions don’t have to be decided upon. It’s an evoking of truth from within. It’s when you live what is yours to live. I have no doubt that that short walk yesterday was essential for some part of my process. I’m a Mountains environment and while I’m not living on a mountain (yet), nature is very important. Connecting with those trees was healing to me.

My Pluto’s are in Gate 46. I experience deep transformation and truth when I honor my form. It’s why so much of my work comes back to the body. Over and over and over: The body.

It’s been a part of my intentional work to open up more as a 3/5. To avoid the trap of glossy perfection and hide the parts of me that I fear will be judged. I know that when we’re real with each other, we create space for true intimacy to occur. I also know that emotions aren’t my strong suit. I can be overwhelmed by them. Even in my natal astrological chart, I don’t have any personal planets in the water element. It’s something I’m experiencing without a filter in this lifetime. According to Human Design, having a completely open Solar Plexus means I can also transcend them.

So, instead of adopting a priestess mask, a beneficent reverend, a spiritual leader with all the answers, I’m working to be more authentic. Life is really hard sometimes. I want to be honest about that, AND I want to work through it. I don’t want to stay mired in complaining and find a bunch of people who will just agree with me. I want to move through it. I want to learn. I want to change and grow. I want to trust myself and believe that life is bringing me the lessons that are mine to learn. I want to share so maybe something in my process will help you in yours.

I’ve talked about this difficult and humbling part of my life because I want you to know that you’re not alone. If you’re like me and emotions aren’t easy for you, maybe you can find a way, like I did, to work through them in a construct. I process my emotions through a framework. Human Design is a big part of that. It helps me find a way to work with them because I don’t have any specific access point of my own.

There are so many amazing spiritual tools: Tarot, meditation, tapping, aromatherapy, chanting. I could go on and on. I encourage you to just pick one. See how it feels, if it helps. Whatever calls to you is doing so for a reason. Whatever your body is showing you is happening for a reason. The universe is always communicating with us. We just have to listen.

Shine on,

Jennifer Grace