The corrections in conscious creation

Trigger warning: I’m not going into gory detail, but this post is about trauma…an auto accident, a dog attack, and childhood issues. If you are feeling tender or vulnerable, skip it. Prioritize your own mental well-being, always.

I was involved in an auto accident yesterday, a byproduct of a collision that occurred in front of me. Everyone walked away fine, but it’s still a jarring experience. It triggered some trauma patterns that needed to be cleared. I’ll be talking about it, but I’m going to go back a few years first.

Charleston has never been much of a fan of the outside. She likes the confines of our small backyard, and even then, it’s maybe five minutes tops before she takes her ball to the back gate and waits for me to follow her. She doesn’t even like to sit on the front porch with me.

I know exercise is important and sometimes, there is only so much ball playing I can do in the house. We just need to get out and move. That isn’t always easy as ever since she was a baby, she would cry when we were outside. Like I said, not her thing. Fair enough.

Throughout her life I’ve had to work to balance how often I ask her to go for a walk with me. I have to be in a very specific mood to be able to do it. She’s a Reflector and will amplify any nervousness or tension I’m feeling. Then, we bounce it off of each other. It had been a source of stress to follow general guidelines on dogs and exercise compared to what her little soul clearly tells me she wants.

A few years ago, it was a lovely Sunday afternoon. We had just spent time with a family member in a nice, calming visit, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to capitalize on the calm and go for a walk.

She was doing pretty good. We weren’t too far from our home. We had rounded a corner, maybe three houses up, when I heard someone scream a name followed by, No! I heard the scream before I even saw the dog coming. He didn’t even bark. He beelined for us and went straight into attacking Charleston. He was so fast that he beat his partner. But, when that one arrived, it was two against one.

I’m sure you’ve heard of Fight or Flight. Then, it was Fight, Flight, or Freeze. And more recently, trauma specialists are adding Fawning to the list. Any of those 4 F’s are your body’s way of coping with a crisis. Does the adrenaline prepare you to go to battle, to run, to lock you in place and play dead, or do you fall into a sycophantic behavior to ingratiate yourself?

I’ve been a freeze-r for as long as I can remember. It’s such an ingrained trauma response that I can’t move if I want to. It’s an awful place of being trapped in a body in an incomprehensible situation and having no way out. For the longest time, I couldn’t move my body so I simply left it.

Several years back when that dog attack happened, I froze. All I could remember was horror stories about not trying to break up a dog fight, about how people have lost fingers (and the attacking dog was no joke…he was a tank). I felt utterly useless.

Charleston has always been sassy. When she was about 6-8 months old, we were coming out of the vet’s and an unleashed dog came running up to her (I don’t know what in the world pheromones she puts out!!). She has never liked rude introductions and she snapped at him. My little not-even-an-adult dog put one that had at least 40 pounds on her right in his place.

When it came to that attacking dog on that Sunday afternoon, I thought she might have had a good shot to defend herself. But, when the second one arrived, it was too much.

The owners finally caught up and began dragging their dogs away. I saw how traumatized one of them was by it, she was laying on top of her dog, face down in the street trying to hold him in place. And, it seemed like she had never witnessed her dog be that violent before.

When I had motor control again, I picked up Charleston and got out of there. We didn’t exchange information, they didn’t offer to help or pay…none of that, and frankly, I was dealing with the effects of my own repressed memories. Charleston was screaming in my arms, bleeding, and all I could think was to get us to a safe place.

We did. She’s extremely resilient. I got her to emergency care and learned how much those dogs had really tried to kill her (based on where the wounds were targeted). She doesn’t handle relaxing drugs that well, she’ll pace endlessly until she either finally drops from exhaustion or she gets them out of her system. Neither of us really slept that night. Plus, I was micro-dosing her with Reiki so that her system could regulate.

Afterward, of course, I was so grateful that she was safe and able to heal. She was resilient. I was traumatized, though. It would wake me up, I was terrified to take her on a walk because I felt that I couldn’t sufficiently protect her. And, I felt so guilty, so useless.

I was asked multiple times, and even advised, to report those people. I didn’t have the address of where that ringleader dog came from because he had bulleted from his house far ahead of us, and I also knew that it would likely result in a kill order.

My vegan heart was dead opposed to what I was “supposed” to do in that situation. I never blame the animal. I know that accidents can happen, but I view them as the responsibility of the animal guardian.

I couldn’t turn him in. It countered my practice of ahimsa (non-violence).

It took quite a while before I could even begin to relax to offer to take her for a walk, and I always, always watched her for signs as to whether she was truly ok with going. At that point, I trusted her intuition more than my own. I found a citrus spray that can help deter aggression without causing harm, and whenever I felt urged, I brought a big stick with us. I still check in to see what kind of vibe is in the air. And, I recite a Kundalini protection mantra. Aside from never going outside again, that’s the best I can do.

After the horror of the attack, I kept coming back to: Why didn’t my intuition warn me?

I was relaxed on our walk, very present in enjoying the beautiful tree-lined boulevard. My system was quiet enough…Why didn’t I sense the danger and re-route us?

Fast forward to yesterday.

I was in a tight parking lot. I had to work assiduously to pull out of my parking space and was moving up to begin to exit. I had stopped as I watched an elderly woman cross in front of me and get into her car. I don’t know why, but that held me in place. There was something about her. I suspect that delay kept me out of danger. As I began to lift my foot off the brake and start to roll forward, the accident happened in front of me and ricocheted into my car.

I was trapped again. It’s a tight parking lot. The most I could do was try to pull to the right, but it wasn’t enough to fully escape. Going in reverse wasn’t an option with all of the people.

I was in my car (which we can consider a representation of our bodies in the movement of life) but I was trapped yet again because my moving/acting/leaving would unintentionally hurt someone else. It felt like the theme I’ve seen so many times in my life where I am hurt by someone else’s actions. I’m always saying to myself, But I didn’t do anything wrong! It’s a child’s answer that seeks fairness and balance in an environment where it doesn’t exist.

It took me a minute to move, to park, and then to go to where the primary parties had gathered to exchange information. Everyone was ok and very respectful and polite.

As I got back in my car, I was back to my rumination of, Why didn’t my intuition warn me?

I’m even more magically trained now than I was when Charleston was hurt. I practice much more and have gotten stronger with age. Why? Freaking why??

I didn’t realize quite how deep my beliefs ran that perfect behavior is supposed to guarantee a perfect outcome. I can have beliefs that a clean vegan diet means I shouldn’t have health problems. That devoting my life to a magical path should grant me superpowers. That if I am good enough, I won’t be hurt.

I did my best to get information after the accident, but I didn’t ask for everything. It ran through my mind to ask for a certain piece of information but my intuition steered me away from it. (I don’t know why that was where it piped up compared to not getting into an accident in the first place!)

When I got home, I got in touch with my insurance company and I was so grateful at how supportive and understanding they were. I was prepared to be castigated for not asking for every piece of information (early conditioning of Monday morning quarterbacking where every play is held up for scrutiny). But, they were so kind and gentle with me.

I was jostled from the experience. Tears would come in little bursts and then recede as quickly as they came. I would vacillate from linear problem-solving about where to get repairs to trying my best to reassemble the fragments of my memory to the trauma of the accident that was also bringing up a lifetime of issues.

All appearances to the over-achieving contrary, I wasn’t ok for most of my life.

I’ve been re-reading the companion workbook to You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This one is illustrated and it’s gorgeous. I love her work, and it’s a special bonus when it’s also a delight to look at.

She had a part about looking at issues from your past beyond the who/what/why that we can cycle in, to list your deeper thoughts around that time of your life.

When I left the store and was getting into my car, I had several: I felt guilty for buying art supplies twice that week, excited about the project I was going to use them on, and I was acknowledging that I would have to figure out Uber or Lyft or some type of arrangement if I ever needed a ride. (Context: I had a tire leak that required an emergency repair a couple of days prior. Everything was great, but it’s a ping to my safety-starved nervous system that everything can go off kilter in the blink of an eye.)

Louise views accidents as: “Inability to speak up for the self. Rebellion against authority. Belief in violence.”

The counter-affirmation is: “I release the pattern in me that created this. I am at peace. I am worthwhile.”

I don’t believe violence is ok (ahimsa vow), but some part of me has believed that I deserve it because something must be inherently unworthy or unlovable about me.

A recurring theme in Louise’s affirmations is: “I am safe in the process of life.”

As much as I wish it were the case, I could give you a laundry list of why that hasn’t been true. I have a hard time swallowing it because my organized and logical brain pulls up a bunch of evidence to the contrary. It is NEVER the child’s fault. How is a child safe in that process of life?

I hold the belief that we choose our incarnation based on themes we want to experience and develop in ourselves, all contributing to the soul’s ever-expanding nature.

While I don’t believe that we consciously choose to experience violence or illness, and I don’t believe that we’re punished via karma, I do see it as a choice along a path. It becomes harder and the course corrections more painful when we resist. We call that karma. But to me, we can just as easily have lessons through joy and love. It’s just that our humanity tends to listen more keenly when we’re on our knees.

I was cycling through the “Why” of it last night. I don’t believe that accidents just happen. I was a vibrational match to that experience based on my thought patterns. I didn’t make the other parties get into an accident, but I aligned myself to participate in it.

So, I switched my focus to, What does this have to teach me?

I saw the parallels between being trapped in my car and being trapped in my body. I saw how the violence around me can hurt an innocent bystander. I saw how interconnected we are. I saw how I was conflicted about having spent a sizable amount of money on myself instead of saving it. I saw that I had a niggling judgement that I needed to be punished for it. I also saw just how long I’ve been worried about backup transportation (my brain gets stuck on weird stuff!!).

So, bingo: A situation custom-designed to untangle a trauma pattern, give me the punishment I think I deserve, and provide an opportunity to figure out alternate transportation.

In my Human Design chart, both of my Saturn’s are in my Throat. That is the course correction. It comes into play when our values (Venus) aren’t honored by the law we obey (Jupiter). My unconscious body Saturn is in Gate 35.3. Because I don’t carry the corollary of Gate 36 (totally open Solar Plexus), I am likely to change and progress via mutative crisis when I am out of alignment.

No freaking fun.

But, I have to admit, it does get my attention.

I had so much cycling through my body last night. I had done a chakra re-balancing meditation. But, it wasn’t enough. I was scrolling through audiobooks and came across a special recording of releasing anger by Louise. I wasn’t even feeling anger at that time, more impotent frustration. But, it called to me so I listened.

I sank deeply into it and excavated anger from deep down, even in my toes. She was brilliant. I bawled and breathed deeply and let it all out. That particular session accommodated five people to release and I thought I was done after the first one. But no, it was so deep and there was so much of it.

Because she’s so amazing, she didn’t leave it as just venting. There was a lovely healing component to it as well.

It was enough to wring it out of me. I finally fell asleep.

This morning before I got out of bed, I had the thought to look at the situation through the lens of what I could learn from it. I saw how I wasn’t a victim because I had aligned myself with that vibration.

I saw how grateful I was that no bystanders on the parking lot were injured.

I saw how I witnessed two men resolve a difficult situation with peace and non-violence. The one who was not at fault was deeply gracious and kind. His attitude was extraordinary to me because he didn’t blame, he didn’t blow his top.

I saw how I had been castigating myself for not being the perfect accident victim when the insurance company never even expected that of me.

I saw how much calmer I felt now that I knew I was going to figure out getting my car repaired on my own. I also saw that I believe this accident would be used to help me, that taking my car in could put me in the right place at the right time for some other cooperative element to align.

I also saw that some part of my money baggage felt relaxed because now I would be having a financial expense…that I had been punished sufficiently. (Obviously, there’s work for me to do on that one.)

And, I saw that I functioned much better during that traumatic event than I ever have before. There may be miles yet to go, but I’m no longer at the starting line.

Thanks to Louise’s meditation, I moved closer to forgiveness. It helped to get it out.

Having gone through PHS as part of my Human Design experiment, all of my metaphysics training, and the way I’ve chosen to live my life has meant that I don’t get to rest on my laurels. It’s all on me. I’ve chosen to be awake. I’ve had two incredible experiences this year (miracles, really) where I’ve programmed an outcome…I’ve changed my intention and my vibration so completely that I aligned with a beautiful result. As Bashar would say, I switched realities.

That same power is also working if I’m ruminating on a problem I don’t really want to solve.

Like I said, it’s being awake. Really aware.

I moved from feeling guilty yesterday to being profoundly grateful today. I accepted the correction because I saw how that experience could be used to assist me in my development. I also probably would not have been attracted to that anger-releasing meditation because I thought I had thrown enough pink paint over that particular wall. I also got a deeper understanding of my chart and how Saturn’s influence shows up for me.

I had planned to go to the art museum today. Last night (before the meditation), it was part of my worry cycling…if I’d be too nervous of a driver, if I’d have PTSD like I did when Charleston was attacked, if I’d slip back into panic attacks. You name it, my brain can worry about it.

BTW, that is also the opposite of living like a Generator. When it’s time for me to do something, I don’t have to “do” it, I just do it. Ra liked to quote a saying from the Druids about how the doing just gets done. It’s action without effort. I reminded myself of how I feel the vibe of when and where to go and that I don’t have to decide on it ahead of time. I get to respond.

My brain countered with reminders of how the particular art exhibit I want to see has only a few weeks left, if not now then when, what if I don’t get to see it and someone asks me about it, yada yada yada.

Another thing I got to see this morning in my altered perspective is just how much mental bandwidth I give to preparing to defend my behavior. From what top I buy, whether I cover my grey hair or not, how much I weigh, whether I have cellulite, what I spend on art supplies…I’ve been suffocating my own life force in an attempt to fit into a tiny box.

It reminds me of the original Cinderella telling in which the stepsisters were urged to cut off parts of their feet to fit into the glass slipper. How much blood are you willing to spill to get your “dream?” How many parts of yourself are you willing to amputate to please the judges in your life?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough. I’m 52, going on 53 in a couple of months and it’s just enough. It’s all the same tired nonsense. I haven’t liked myself for such a long time (vitriolic self-hatred was pouring out of me in that visualization last night), but I haven’t even really met myself. It’s exactly like Ra talked about after having done thousands of readings: The great joke is that people hate themselves but they’ve never even met themselves. All they know is not-self (aka conditioned behavior).

I get glimpses of that true me on a quiet weekend with Charleston. I feel her when I’m by trees. I know her when I do little dances of happy delight. She’s in there.

She’s the one I want to meet.

Instead of worrying about when my business will skyrocket, when I’ll meet the love of my life, when I’ll find my soul family, when I’ll get to own my Cullen house…all of those things that are out of my control…I’m getting curious about the me I’ve glimpsed.

This has been one f*ck of a way to get there, but hey, we all have our own paths. Mine took a lot of pain to be able to stand up for myself (incidentally, my personality Sun is 18.3). But at least I’m doing it.

If you’ve made it this far, I hope you take the message that we have so much more power than we realize. That life is on our side. That what feels like pain can be your greatest teacher if you let it. And, that you can also just as easily learn through joyous expansion.

And, oh yeah, that angels are everywhere. That little old lady taking an unusually long time to cross a parking lot could be there to delay you just long enough to save your life. Especially when your attention is inexplicably riveted by her. Magic is all around us.

Shine on,

Jennifer Grace