I’m going deeper into my Human Design PHS and Rave Psychology studies (the 4 arrows at the top of the chart).
What is striking me—over and over—is how much of this my body knew all along, I just wouldn’t let it be true.
I’m a Sacral Generator. I have an in-the-body gut response that I don’t have to question.
My Spleen informs my Sacral. I’m guided to my well-being easily.
I have 3/4 of the Integration Channel. My power is for myself, it’s about being true to myself and following my own convictions. As I self-empower, I lift and inspire those around me. It’s an inside job first and foremost.
So, why did I spend more than half my life running myself into the ground with an eating disorder? Why did I get into relationships that didn’t serve me? Why did I let the drill sergeant in my head run roughshod over my self-esteem?
There’s no easy answer, and yet, there kind of is. I wasn’t true to myself. I wasn’t being myself. I disowned all of the ways I’m different (hint: we’re all supposed to be different), the ways that I have my own flow, my own intuition. None of it fit the environments I was in. I got the message early and I got it loud that it wasn’t ok to be different, to question, to do things my own way.
I’ve been in my Human Design experiment for over a year now. It’s been humbling and deeply gratifying to see that the parts of me I disowned are where my home lies. That all I have ever had to do is listen to my body’s deep inner knowing. My body knows what’s right for it to eat. My body knows what environment supports it. My body knows when a situation feels safe, and when it doesn’t.
My chart gives me a blueprint to my higher self, to the way I came into this world with all of the strengths and all of the places I’m here to learn and grow. It aligns me to the perspective that serves me, that helps me serve others.
It is so easy, and yet the easy things are often the hardest. From the way I eat or spend money to the way I show up in relationship...it’s all there. Do I trust or do I try to control? Do I let things come to me or do I make myself hustle for them? Do I give myself rest or do I try to prove how worthy I am?
It feels like an endless tug-of-war. It reminds me of meditation in that the goal isn’t to stop the mental chatter, but rather to let it be and don’t get into an argument with it. Our minds, brilliant as they are, can drive us crazy. They’re meant to be conceptualizing tools—not our inner authority.
The body leads the way. Your body knows exactly what it needs to know. It’s already there.