Relationships, especially intimate ones, have always been challenging for me. I either didn’t show up at all or I showed up too much—over-giving and depleting myself in the vain attempt to prove how worthy I was of being loved. It was exhausting.
I spent most of my life trying to control my body and the way it looked to others. My mind is very logical and I’ve always been aware of its more masculine qualities. Consequently, I spent an inordinate amount of my energy and focus trying to make sure that I looked feminine enough.
I felt like I had to have the perfect figure, the perfect skin, the perfect makeup, the perfect hair, the perfect nails, the perfect wardrobe. Nothing was ever out of place. I fashioned myself into a living doll.
The surface looked amazing but I was hollow. When I see those old pictures of myself, all I can focus is on is the death in my eyes. I wasn’t living at all.
Learning to be in my body has been my healing journey. I’ve also had to redefine what feminine is for me—not only what it looks like on the surface but how it moves inside me. What is my elemental connection to the earth and the moon? How do I express myself as a woman?
The feminine is a portal to the deeper mysteries because we contain them. We’re built for alchemy, for transmutation. There is something so deeply enigmatic about a woman’s intuition, her grace, her movement through the ebb and flow of life. It’s a living and breathing mystery.
I never really got that before. I’ve come to realize that my work is changing because I’m changing.
I’m not interested in proving how hard I can push myself, how close to perfection I can come.
I’m not interested in being anything other than myself.
Finally. Fully. Just me.
I could credit that realization to a lot of things, to the tremendous amount of work I’ve done and the people who’ve inspired me. To be sure, they’ve all played a part. But, what really stands out is accepting that who I am as a woman is enough.
I was told by a man that he wanted to follow me. It scared me and I actively resisted it. After all of those years of manic exhaustion, the last thing I want is to be in charge.
I was fantasizing about being taken care of, cosseted and cherished. I still want that, but not because I’m empty without it.
It took a while, but I finally understood what he was telling me. When I relax into my feminine, into who I am as a woman, I become a gateway to something deeper. My surrender creates something bigger than me.
I also have come to understand how much of the work I’ve been doing for my partners. Just because I can do everything by myself doesn’t mean I want to. In a lot of ways, it’s lonelier to feel that way when you’re with someone than if you’re flying solo.
The feminine is wild and wet and vibrating and pulsing. It’s also deep stillness and the comforting dark that will birth something anew. It’s everything…the cauldron, the container, the chalice.
It’s exhilarating and scary because it transforms you. The person who began the experience is not the one who finishes it.
I am privileged and honored to be a priestess to the greater mysteries, but if you aren’t willing to put forth the effort, it’s not a connection I want to entertain.
On the surface, it seems like it’s only about romantic relationships. But, it’s everything. It’s friendships and work and family and personal development. It’s all the places I show up as me, ready to engage with the other.
I feel like I’m meeting the other with an open palm, asking…
Are you ready to go deeper?
Are you ready for magic?
Are you ready to play?
If your answer is no, then it’s no. I’m no longer meeting others with a frantic and clutching grasp, desperate to have someone to hold onto. That only blocks the flow, snuffs the magic.
The journey is the point. How you move through it defines you. Be you, always.